At the Speed of Life

After losing weight and going on hormone inhibitors, I got pregnant sometime in June last year. It was unexpected- they thought it would be more difficult. I had a miserable 9 months that included gestational diabetes, dealing with anxiety/depression sans medication, and overall fatigue from working till the very end and trying to keep up with everything (eating well, doctors visits, marriage + family, going to church, staying connected, birthing classes, etc)....and then ended with 19 hours of back labor, 2 hours of that pushing, and a baby.

Jairo is here, and he's perfect! I immediately felt tons better. I'm pre-diabetic at the moment, but hopefully that comes under control as I lose weight and get a better hold on my diet (seriously- carbs after gestational diabetes? I may have overdone it). Emotion-wise I feel stronger, happier, but in a way more anxious. Something about having a brand new baby who I love more than anyone in the world will do that to a person. It feels like a million things can go wrong, and unless I personally check it three times, it could be wrong.

Jairo's first two months were hard- breastfeeding, yeast/thrush infections, mastitis, serious breastfeeding roadblocks, and lip-tie and tongue-tie. My nipples were this awful mess of cracks, blips and blood blisters, bruises, and awfulness all-over. He had oral surgery at 1 month old and it took the next month to get us both in a good place. He was gaining weight and otherwise happy + healthy, but it was hard to bond when breastfeeding was excruciating. He is such a good baby! He only cries when he needs something, and is otherwise very sweet. I'm back at work now, and I'd rather be home with Jairo. Pumping is pain, and the work here feels meaningless now more than ever. All of my favorite coworkers are leaving or retiring within the next 6 months. The job itself is fine. It's circumstances that have changed.

He's almost 3 months out now, and we're about to be moving to Minnesota. (A Mormon in Minnesota? A Mormon from Maryland? We're going to have to work this one out.) We will live in a small town, away from my family and everything/everyone I've ever known...but it looks beautiful there. Cold, yes. Plenty of outdoor activity. There is a small science center, a decent library, a mall, and a university. There is the Bemidji Ward, which means a bit of a support system. It means starting all over again. I'll be a stay at home mom so I'll have the time. Maybe I'll finally be able to finish changing my name!

Poor Argos. He turns 14 this year, and since the baby has come he has taken a back seat. I'm sure when we move I'll be able to give him way more attention and care, but his "standard of living" has declined considerably. What do you mean "sleep on the floor"?? When Jairo first came home my family would visit and he would stand in the center of the room and look at each person, waiting for someone to pet him, and everyone's attention would be on the baby. He looked so lost. My heart broke for him. I feel like I need to institute a doggie-date day every couple weeks now. Take him to Starbucks for a cup of whipped cream, let him stick his head out the window as we drive around, take him for a walk in the park, or even better go downtown where he'll be adored by passerby. End the day with cuddles + fried chicken. It's pretty much how he lived when I was single and all my money and attention went into him!

It's amazing how fast everything has happened. Pregnancy, baby, about to be moving, adjusting to not working (AKA not having "my own" money...*shudder*). I'm excited for the possibilities of staying home. Of course, being with Jairo and teaching him what he needs to know about the world. Basic trust in others. Being kind, and loving. Self-sufficiency. Taking him hiking. Going to the library together. But also the "me" stuff. Focusing on photography. Having energy time to read. Being able to consider food storage, healthier diets, exercise, and sleep schedules. Being able to coordinate and plan appointments for our family. Helping others when the opportunity arises. Maybe I'll even be able to take on a calling, if I can get my anxiety more stable.

I'm afraid of moving to a new area. I don't like being cold.  My entire support system will have to be re-built, and I'm selective when it comes to doctors and the people I surround myself with. I'm afraid that I'll be stuck at home a lot, and that our home will be dark, dank, and depressing. I'm afraid that I'll become a less effective parent with all of these life changes. I worry that Jairo will have less opportunity and acceptance in this smaller area.

On the other side of my fear is the faith that everything will work for the purpose of the Lord. Everything works together for our good! All the good and bad will build us and give us the experiences we need.

I'm just hoping that dark side of fear doesn't take me over for too long, and that my faith is strong enough to carry me through it.

Diets and Diagnoses (?)

Where to begin...my Ob/Gyn (Brenner) diagnosed me with PCOS using the ultrasound and my irregular cycles. My bloodwork came back from the endocrinologist (Verma) and my androgen levels are normal...but my prolactin is still very high. They've started medication to prevent the (further?) growth of a tumor, but now Brenner is hesitant to write PCOS as the official diagnosis. Brenner has not been clear on informed consent and has not been able to succinctly advise on issues such as risk factors, treatment options, or what I should expect and why. WebMD has been my friend. I started the medication a week and a half ago. I'm supposed to get labs done again in 5 weeks and follow up in 6 weeks. My last MRI came out clean, but Verma says that it could be that the tumor is too small or in the process of forming. Let's hope this works.


I've switched my diet around as well. Originally I was gluten and dairy free, and now it's been suggested that I may not need to be, but it could be beneficial if I feel better on this diet. Which I do...but I can't do without cheese. So I'm gluten free, mostly dairy free, and I'm trying to stick to lower glycemic foods. Gluten free has been fairly easy- many restaurants are catching on, the options in grocery stores are varied, and there are healthy/tasty alternatives abound (Three Bakers Bread and King Arthur Flour are the best tasting!). Dairy free has been harder, but once I made the switch it wasn't so bad. Cow Milk I've replaced with Unsweetened Almond Milk- 30 calories a serving, nutritious, and a good substitute for baking. I started with Soy Milk and the texture is thicker, the taste isn't too bad...but it wasn't the most nutritious option, lower fat/calorie, and I eat soy in other places in my diet so I didn't want to load up on soy. Daiya's cheeses are good, but not good enough to make me want to eat them. I'm going to try raw milk cheeses to see if less processed cheese will be a good option. Daiya alternative cream cheese on the other hand is good enough for me not to want the real thing. I've tried Sour Supreme alternative sour cream, which is pretty good. I'm big on tacos! SoDelicious has mastered dairy-free ice cream and yogurt...but they are not low sugar. The yogurt could be a dessert in and of itself. I usually get 1/4 cup of the plain Cashew ice cream and mix with 1 or 2 gluten free/dairy free oreos, a spoonful of honey or strawberry jam, etc.


I try to stay away from the alternatives, but it's not totally realistic for me. Mostly, I try to eat my fair share of low GI fruits, nuts, eggs, sautéed or raw veggies, baked fish and chicken, rice and beans, squash and sweet potato. Examples:

Breakfast - 2 eggs, sautéed veggies, a glass of water OR cut fruit, walnuts, and a glass of Naked juice (not green machine!), OR 1/3 cup oatmeal, 1/3 cup frozen blueberries, 1/4 cup almonds, a touch of honey (Black Locust Honey and Stevia are low GI!)

Lunch - I keep my Three Baker's bread frozen, but I make my sandwiches on the frozen bread in the morning and by lunch it's fresh! I make PB&J, chicken and spinach with sriracha mayo, or hummus, tomato, and sprout sandwiches. I'll eat leftovers, grab a bowl of cereal (Nature's Path Sunrise Crunchy Maple with some chex mixed in is my favorite tasting/texture...but it's mostly corn, so not something that can be done every day). I work full time, so lunch is a meal on the run.

Dinner - 1/3 cup brown rice, 1/3 cup cooked sweet potato, 1/2 cup spinach, 8 oz protein choice (no red meat), and additives (hot sauce, light dressing, avocado, fresh herbs, chopped egg/nut/dried fruit). Eat half and pack the rest for lunch! If I don't have time to put all of this together, I will cook 4 oz of protein, load up on veggies like cauliflower or green beans. Zucchini noodles are a snap and pair great with tomato sauce (Turkey meatballs are for special occasions!).

I'm doing more research on carbs (grains and sugars, primarily) to learn more about where I can find nutrient dense, complex, low-GI options. Low glycemic index was suggested to me because women with PCOS can benefit from this type of diet, as they can be insulin sensitive. I'm not saying that I'm insulin sensitive...but I have family members with diabetes, family members with PCOS, and I'd rather take care of my health now.


I found a gluten free recipe for Ezekiel Bread offered up by the Prairie Homestead. I'm going to try it out at some point and see if that's a more viable and nutritious option for bread. It might be too difficult for me to make bread consistently, or it might not have the calories and nutrients I'm looking for.


The main thing has been to eat whole and organic foods whenever possible. Cut out simple carbs, unhealthy fats, dressings and sauces, and processed foods. It's not easy. I miss real pizza and brownies. I miss being able to go to a restaurant and choose anything I want. But I don't miss how I feel after I eat those foods...I feel cleaner and stronger eating these foods.


I'm getting there.

Graceland

I've been thinking about the song I ended my last post with- Graceland by Paul Simon. My mind has been stuck on these lyrics:

And I may be obliged to defend every love and every ending
Or maybe there's no obligations now
Maybe I've a reason to believe we all will be received in Graceland

I've spent so many years hung up on my past. I wouldn't talk about it for a long time- mainly because I couldn't allow it to have the prime influence on my present and future. I couldn't let it stew in my mind and be the thing that worked me up or got me down. I've been working not on forgetting, but moving forward. Forgiving myself and growing and trying to do the best that I can to make the choices I should be making; learning. And oh, isn't it wonderful!


I've taught myself to think positively, take care of myself, how to say "no", how to make good habits, how to fight bad ones, how to identify my red flags, how to make decisions that keep me even keeled...and I'm a work in progress. I make PLENTY of decisions that later on I think, "Yeah- that one? Not so good an idea. Take a note for next time." I'm great at over-extending and undervaluing myself at the same time. I have moments of despair and self-pity like anyone else. Sometimes I stay up too late, eat too much, or exercise too little and throw off a whole week. I have times when I commit to talk someone who I believe takes advantage of our relationship or who I don't feel fulfilled spending time with. It's all part of the process, and everything has a purpose.


It terrifies me that one day I will have to account for every bone-headed, emotionally-charged, rebellious, and tenaciously defiant decision and action in my life. I imagine standing at a brass bar in front of an impossibly bright audience on high in which I feel the intense shame of having known better and acted otherwise, and in so doing been supremely ungrateful and wretched. And then I remember that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me personally. He created me and knows every quirky and defiant bone in my body. A brother and Savior who has overcome and completely understands each of my trials. I will see their faces. I am not defenseless, worthless, dejected, or rebuffed. Romans 4:16 says:

Therefore ye are justified of faith and works, through grace...

And so it is. If I have faith, and I'm willing to repent and work at improving and redeeming myself, but after it all when it hasn't been enough, the grace of God will save me and I will be justified to Him. "For we know that it is by grace we are saved after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23). Merriam-Webster defines grace as the "unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification." Grace is an act by God on our behalf, after everything we have done in this life.


But I've been trying to think of it as a place. A place of forgiveness, acceptance, unconditional love, pure light, and overflowing good-will. A place where I will feel regenerated and rejuvenated. A place where I can transform my inner landscape. On a human level, I am willing to give myself the grace I need to be better. I'm willing to forgive myself and others for the hurts I've given and received. I'm willing to love myself until no one doubts how it should be done. I'm ready to let go. And maybe I have reason to believe we all will be received in Graceland.


By picturing grace as a place in my mind, or a place inside of myself, maybe I can try to actuate it. Turn it into an action for dealing with my past, let it influence the way I treat others now, and let it help to shape my future.


For anyone who read this post and is interested in God's Plan of Salvation, how to overcome feelings of misery and shame, and knowledge of where you're from and why you're here, please visit this website: God's Plan of Salvation


For anyone who wants to smile for a bit:

Coming to Terms

That phrase, "Come to Terms". Have you ever thought about this idiom? I'm not sure I even feel like it is an idiom. The first thing I think of is war. Coming to terms meant that you specified the conditions under which surrender is given and agreement is reached. Merriam-Webster defines it as "to learn how to accept or live with something that is difficult or painful".


The timing couldn't be more ironic. I've spent the last month being gluten and dairy free, the past 6 months trying to get pregnant, and the last year trying to find answers to my symptoms. Just to name a few:

Anxiety

Depression

Insomnia

Irregular periods

Intense periods

Mild to Moderate IBS

Swelling

Joint Pain

Fatigue

Brain Fog

Bruising



The call from the doctor about my diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome came last Friday while I was still at work. It was all I could do to hold it together and schedule a follow-up appointment for this upcoming Monday. As soon as I got off the phone I started reading- I didn't know near as much as I should have about it. I didn't make it halfway through the WebMD links on PCOS before I decided I wasn't ready to read all of the mountains I was facing. I already had planned a weekend taking my mom out of town! Thank goodness: Distraction. Comfort. Avoidance. Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt, people.

And what do I do? I eat pizza. Not gluten and dairy free pizza (Side note: is that really pizza?). But Pizza Hut pizza. The greasy, awful, delicious, soft, ultra cheesy, super buttery stuff. I tell my mom what's going on with me and we have a heart-to-heart over breakfast on Sunday morning. Monday comes...and let's face it, it's Monday. I'm still not ready to face it. Even if I have started to bloat and swell again. So I grab a burger and a shake, eat more pizza for dinner, and think...Tuesday is the perfect day to face reality.

Here I am on day 3, back on the horse. Working out, eating the diet I'm supposed to, my PCOS Workbook and Diet book are on their way, I had a blood test from Endocrinology this morning, and I'm facing the facts. I'm going to have to live with this my whole life. I am always going to have to manage this disease. I'm going to have to mitigate risk factors for diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. I'm going to have to make things like real pizza a thing of the past. The most heart wrenching- it is not be feasible for me to get pregnant on my own, and even if I do get pregnant there are real risks of complications. 

My whole life feels like it has been turned right side up. This explains it! I'm so relieved. I have a diagnosis. There is treatment, and hope. It explains why I'm so irritable, sad, and overwhelmed 24/7. Why I've been so terrible at controlling my reactions. It explains why I've been skipping periods. It explains the swelling and why diet affects how I feel so much.

My whole life feels like it has been turned upside down. This is a lifer. I will always have to manage my weight, my diet, my hormones, and my habits. I will always need to be concerned and be testing for the diseases I am now aware that I am at risk for. Personally, I think I will only want to get pregnant with 1 or 2 children. We'll look into adopting 2 or 3, at some point. After being done with childbirth I'm going to consider an elective total hysterectomy, including ovaries and fallopian tubes (that's not terrifying at all, right?).

The funny thing is that now I'm looking back on my life, I can see it: The debilitating periods I would get as a teenager. I went down to being an Alto in high school. They put me on birth control and anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds by 16. Having a miscarriage. Having suicidal and self-harm tendencies. Treating the symptoms, but not the disease. Things that could be written off as anything else! Bad luck, more simple diagnoses, growing pains and patterns, and the worst: I just don't know what is going on with my body or what it's like. Going off everything last year and feeling inside of me: something is not right. Realizing that I can't make it on my own. Cycling through doctors till I found the one who had my back and believed that I knew my body. He ordered tests and recommended specialists and spent loads of time explaining results to me and making sure I understood how my body is working. He always tells me life stories and supportive religious applications and encourages me to get healthy holistically. My general physician is the best. Getting back into regular therapy with my therapist, Keri. She's known me for years, and it's such a relief to be able to tell her about the turmoil that's been going on.

From the perspective of being a member of the LDS church, this is devastating. We are all told that having a family is the greatest joy, our highest aspiration, and our purpose in life. Family is the essential unit of life on Earth and through the eternities. We hear often:

"No other success can compensate for failure in the home." –David O. McKay

And

"The family is ordained of God. Families are central to our Heavenly Father’s plan here on earth and through the eternities." - Neil L. Andersen

Women especially are told that raising children is the most important thing a woman can do with her life, it is the most singular joyous experience of their lives, and the whole purpose of the church is for families. The next question for me is: How does it feel to have fertility issues? It feels like I am a failure. It feels like it's my fault that we can not achieve this amazing thing. And it feels incredibly lonely.

The church is full of such amazing, wonderful people like my friend Alison who has been exercising with me and encouraging me while all of this is going on. But Mormon culture can be suffocating, and not everyone is so accepting. Being a convert and not being immersed in Mormon culture, I've definitely felt on the outskirts of my ward. Not in big ways, but things like the Bishop looking at me funny because I dyed my hair blue for a few weeks. Or one of the young women being snarky when I mentioned I had a Goth phase in high school. Or the elderly single lady in the back of sacrament mentioning that she hasn't seen me in the past 3 Sundays, so I shouldn't be partaking in sacrament this Sunday. And connecting with women in the family ward is usually about - you guessed it - having a family! Ladies don't ask you out or keep up with you when you aren't part of the family club. Not to be mean, but just because they want to connect with the people who have the most in common with them. Whose kids can play together. Who have the same issues and concerns as they do. And the thing is- I'm 27 this year. Most Mormons by my age have already had about 2 children. So I'm extra out there.

I remind myself that I'm a strong woman and that my worth is great in the eyes of God. I am a follower of Christ, a precious child of God, and what I have to offer the world is good. I have many qualities and accomplishments that can be used to help those around me. I am going to celebrate my trials and my different-ness in the hope that it benefits others, and because this is the true me! I believe in God. I love Christ. I love following the gospel. I love my husband. Everything happens in the Lord's time and purpose. I will be grateful for all the wonderful things the Lord has given me and people He has brought into my life, and I trust Him to bring about my purpose and joy in His own ways. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to get better. Being a member of the church is going to help me do this. Living by the Word of Wisdom has helped me stay healthy for longer, definitely.

Is this coming to terms?

I think so. I don't know. Is this a war?

Whatever it is, this is the beginning of a long road. I have a partner, a family, and friends who love and support me. I have a network of doctors who believe in me and who are giving me the skills to live a healthy life. I am incredibly blessed.


And finally:





Introductions

Hello! My name is Gabriela. I'm not here to tell you my life story, but instead to share my journey from here forward. In the interest of putting myself out there I'm going to sum up a little bit about myself:


I was born in Maryland in 1989 on a Monday
I was born and raised in Maryland
I have a younger sister, and a step sister about my age
I work in Accounting for Uncle Sam
I am married
His name is Scott
I have the most perfect dog that God ever created
His name is Argos
I had Grand Mal seizures as a child
Miracles happen- I grew out of them!
I have PCOS as an adult
Miracles happen, but this one is a lifer.
I am incredibly imperfect, and possibly a transcendentalist
I am a Mormon


All the LDS folk I know are so big on the I am a Mormon campaign. For those of you who don't know about it, please visit the Mormon.org website. I had such a hard time with it - all because I hate writing "About Me" sections. 1.) How do I sum up the crazy life I've had and everything I am as a person into a couple paragraphs, 2.) How can I possibly explain to anyone how much being a follower of Jesus Christ has built, guided, and saved me, and 3.) make people realize that being part of this faith doesn't make me a mindless drone. Oh, and by the way - you won't find my profile on there yet because I'm STILL dissatisfied with my profile. There's tons more I could write about me, but it'll just have to come out as I go.


I'm starting this blog because I need an outlet. A way to put down what I'm thinking, feeling, and experiencing. A way to track really cool recipes, tips and tricks, personal revelations on faith and life. And really just to see myself figure it all out. If you get something out of reading this (and I don't eventually make this whole blog private- because I've started this habit of increasingly receding from social media; you currently will not find me on Instagram or Facebook), I'm ecstatic! If you have any questions, please feel free to post a comment. I'll respond to all questions.


On commenting: I'm going to post things that some people may not agree with. I'm going to post about my weight, my diagnosis, the good and bad decisions I've made, and what I write is not always going to be pretty. So withhold your nasty comments. If isn't constructive and uplifting, please bite your tongue. If you're going to comment on my grammar, don't. This will be a James Joyce-esque, stream of consciousness, the-heck-with-the-rules kind of writing.


Let's end this with a happy thought: "I'm pore, I'm black, I may be ugly and can't cook, a voice say to everything listening. But I'm here." - Alice Walker


Despite it all, I am here. I exist. I have a purpose. My worth is great in the eyes of God. I can share a good thing.