At the Speed of Life

After losing weight and going on hormone inhibitors, I got pregnant sometime in June last year. It was unexpected- they thought it would be more difficult. I had a miserable 9 months that included gestational diabetes, dealing with anxiety/depression sans medication, and overall fatigue from working till the very end and trying to keep up with everything (eating well, doctors visits, marriage + family, going to church, staying connected, birthing classes, etc)....and then ended with 19 hours of back labor, 2 hours of that pushing, and a baby.

Jairo is here, and he's perfect! I immediately felt tons better. I'm pre-diabetic at the moment, but hopefully that comes under control as I lose weight and get a better hold on my diet (seriously- carbs after gestational diabetes? I may have overdone it). Emotion-wise I feel stronger, happier, but in a way more anxious. Something about having a brand new baby who I love more than anyone in the world will do that to a person. It feels like a million things can go wrong, and unless I personally check it three times, it could be wrong.

Jairo's first two months were hard- breastfeeding, yeast/thrush infections, mastitis, serious breastfeeding roadblocks, and lip-tie and tongue-tie. My nipples were this awful mess of cracks, blips and blood blisters, bruises, and awfulness all-over. He had oral surgery at 1 month old and it took the next month to get us both in a good place. He was gaining weight and otherwise happy + healthy, but it was hard to bond when breastfeeding was excruciating. He is such a good baby! He only cries when he needs something, and is otherwise very sweet. I'm back at work now, and I'd rather be home with Jairo. Pumping is pain, and the work here feels meaningless now more than ever. All of my favorite coworkers are leaving or retiring within the next 6 months. The job itself is fine. It's circumstances that have changed.

He's almost 3 months out now, and we're about to be moving to Minnesota. (A Mormon in Minnesota? A Mormon from Maryland? We're going to have to work this one out.) We will live in a small town, away from my family and everything/everyone I've ever known...but it looks beautiful there. Cold, yes. Plenty of outdoor activity. There is a small science center, a decent library, a mall, and a university. There is the Bemidji Ward, which means a bit of a support system. It means starting all over again. I'll be a stay at home mom so I'll have the time. Maybe I'll finally be able to finish changing my name!

Poor Argos. He turns 14 this year, and since the baby has come he has taken a back seat. I'm sure when we move I'll be able to give him way more attention and care, but his "standard of living" has declined considerably. What do you mean "sleep on the floor"?? When Jairo first came home my family would visit and he would stand in the center of the room and look at each person, waiting for someone to pet him, and everyone's attention would be on the baby. He looked so lost. My heart broke for him. I feel like I need to institute a doggie-date day every couple weeks now. Take him to Starbucks for a cup of whipped cream, let him stick his head out the window as we drive around, take him for a walk in the park, or even better go downtown where he'll be adored by passerby. End the day with cuddles + fried chicken. It's pretty much how he lived when I was single and all my money and attention went into him!

It's amazing how fast everything has happened. Pregnancy, baby, about to be moving, adjusting to not working (AKA not having "my own" money...*shudder*). I'm excited for the possibilities of staying home. Of course, being with Jairo and teaching him what he needs to know about the world. Basic trust in others. Being kind, and loving. Self-sufficiency. Taking him hiking. Going to the library together. But also the "me" stuff. Focusing on photography. Having energy time to read. Being able to consider food storage, healthier diets, exercise, and sleep schedules. Being able to coordinate and plan appointments for our family. Helping others when the opportunity arises. Maybe I'll even be able to take on a calling, if I can get my anxiety more stable.

I'm afraid of moving to a new area. I don't like being cold.  My entire support system will have to be re-built, and I'm selective when it comes to doctors and the people I surround myself with. I'm afraid that I'll be stuck at home a lot, and that our home will be dark, dank, and depressing. I'm afraid that I'll become a less effective parent with all of these life changes. I worry that Jairo will have less opportunity and acceptance in this smaller area.

On the other side of my fear is the faith that everything will work for the purpose of the Lord. Everything works together for our good! All the good and bad will build us and give us the experiences we need.

I'm just hoping that dark side of fear doesn't take me over for too long, and that my faith is strong enough to carry me through it.