And I may be obliged to defend every love and every ending
Or maybe there's no obligations now
Maybe I've a reason to believe we all will be received in Graceland
I've spent so many years hung up on my past. I wouldn't talk about it for a long time- mainly because I couldn't allow it to have the prime influence on my present and future. I couldn't let it stew in my mind and be the thing that worked me up or got me down. I've been working not on forgetting, but moving forward. Forgiving myself and growing and trying to do the best that I can to make the choices I should be making; learning. And oh, isn't it wonderful!
I've taught myself to think positively, take care of myself, how to say "no", how to make good habits, how to fight bad ones, how to identify my red flags, how to make decisions that keep me even keeled...and I'm a work in progress. I make PLENTY of decisions that later on I think, "Yeah- that one? Not so good an idea. Take a note for next time." I'm great at over-extending and undervaluing myself at the same time. I have moments of despair and self-pity like anyone else. Sometimes I stay up too late, eat too much, or exercise too little and throw off a whole week. I have times when I commit to talk someone who I believe takes advantage of our relationship or who I don't feel fulfilled spending time with. It's all part of the process, and everything has a purpose.
It terrifies me that one day I will have to account for every bone-headed, emotionally-charged, rebellious, and tenaciously defiant decision and action in my life. I imagine standing at a brass bar in front of an impossibly bright audience on high in which I feel the intense shame of having known better and acted otherwise, and in so doing been supremely ungrateful and wretched. And then I remember that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me personally. He created me and knows every quirky and defiant bone in my body. A brother and Savior who has overcome and completely understands each of my trials. I will see their faces. I am not defenseless, worthless, dejected, or rebuffed. Romans 4:16 says:
Therefore ye are justified of faith and works, through grace...
And so it is. If I have faith, and I'm willing to repent and work at improving and redeeming myself, but after it all when it hasn't been enough, the grace of God will save me and I will be justified to Him. "For we know that it is by grace we are saved after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23). Merriam-Webster defines grace as the "unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification." Grace is an act by God on our behalf, after everything we have done in this life.
But I've been trying to think of it as a place. A place of forgiveness, acceptance, unconditional love, pure light, and overflowing good-will. A place where I will feel regenerated and rejuvenated. A place where I can transform my inner landscape. On a human level, I am willing to give myself the grace I need to be better. I'm willing to forgive myself and others for the hurts I've given and received. I'm willing to love myself until no one doubts how it should be done. I'm ready to let go. And maybe I have reason to believe we all will be received in Graceland.
By picturing grace as a place in my mind, or a place inside of myself, maybe I can try to actuate it. Turn it into an action for dealing with my past, let it influence the way I treat others now, and let it help to shape my future.
For anyone who read this post and is interested in God's Plan of Salvation, how to overcome feelings of misery and shame, and knowledge of where you're from and why you're here, please visit this website: God's Plan of Salvation
For anyone who wants to smile for a bit:
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