Coming to Terms

That phrase, "Come to Terms". Have you ever thought about this idiom? I'm not sure I even feel like it is an idiom. The first thing I think of is war. Coming to terms meant that you specified the conditions under which surrender is given and agreement is reached. Merriam-Webster defines it as "to learn how to accept or live with something that is difficult or painful".


The timing couldn't be more ironic. I've spent the last month being gluten and dairy free, the past 6 months trying to get pregnant, and the last year trying to find answers to my symptoms. Just to name a few:

Anxiety

Depression

Insomnia

Irregular periods

Intense periods

Mild to Moderate IBS

Swelling

Joint Pain

Fatigue

Brain Fog

Bruising



The call from the doctor about my diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome came last Friday while I was still at work. It was all I could do to hold it together and schedule a follow-up appointment for this upcoming Monday. As soon as I got off the phone I started reading- I didn't know near as much as I should have about it. I didn't make it halfway through the WebMD links on PCOS before I decided I wasn't ready to read all of the mountains I was facing. I already had planned a weekend taking my mom out of town! Thank goodness: Distraction. Comfort. Avoidance. Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt, people.

And what do I do? I eat pizza. Not gluten and dairy free pizza (Side note: is that really pizza?). But Pizza Hut pizza. The greasy, awful, delicious, soft, ultra cheesy, super buttery stuff. I tell my mom what's going on with me and we have a heart-to-heart over breakfast on Sunday morning. Monday comes...and let's face it, it's Monday. I'm still not ready to face it. Even if I have started to bloat and swell again. So I grab a burger and a shake, eat more pizza for dinner, and think...Tuesday is the perfect day to face reality.

Here I am on day 3, back on the horse. Working out, eating the diet I'm supposed to, my PCOS Workbook and Diet book are on their way, I had a blood test from Endocrinology this morning, and I'm facing the facts. I'm going to have to live with this my whole life. I am always going to have to manage this disease. I'm going to have to mitigate risk factors for diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. I'm going to have to make things like real pizza a thing of the past. The most heart wrenching- it is not be feasible for me to get pregnant on my own, and even if I do get pregnant there are real risks of complications. 

My whole life feels like it has been turned right side up. This explains it! I'm so relieved. I have a diagnosis. There is treatment, and hope. It explains why I'm so irritable, sad, and overwhelmed 24/7. Why I've been so terrible at controlling my reactions. It explains why I've been skipping periods. It explains the swelling and why diet affects how I feel so much.

My whole life feels like it has been turned upside down. This is a lifer. I will always have to manage my weight, my diet, my hormones, and my habits. I will always need to be concerned and be testing for the diseases I am now aware that I am at risk for. Personally, I think I will only want to get pregnant with 1 or 2 children. We'll look into adopting 2 or 3, at some point. After being done with childbirth I'm going to consider an elective total hysterectomy, including ovaries and fallopian tubes (that's not terrifying at all, right?).

The funny thing is that now I'm looking back on my life, I can see it: The debilitating periods I would get as a teenager. I went down to being an Alto in high school. They put me on birth control and anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds by 16. Having a miscarriage. Having suicidal and self-harm tendencies. Treating the symptoms, but not the disease. Things that could be written off as anything else! Bad luck, more simple diagnoses, growing pains and patterns, and the worst: I just don't know what is going on with my body or what it's like. Going off everything last year and feeling inside of me: something is not right. Realizing that I can't make it on my own. Cycling through doctors till I found the one who had my back and believed that I knew my body. He ordered tests and recommended specialists and spent loads of time explaining results to me and making sure I understood how my body is working. He always tells me life stories and supportive religious applications and encourages me to get healthy holistically. My general physician is the best. Getting back into regular therapy with my therapist, Keri. She's known me for years, and it's such a relief to be able to tell her about the turmoil that's been going on.

From the perspective of being a member of the LDS church, this is devastating. We are all told that having a family is the greatest joy, our highest aspiration, and our purpose in life. Family is the essential unit of life on Earth and through the eternities. We hear often:

"No other success can compensate for failure in the home." –David O. McKay

And

"The family is ordained of God. Families are central to our Heavenly Father’s plan here on earth and through the eternities." - Neil L. Andersen

Women especially are told that raising children is the most important thing a woman can do with her life, it is the most singular joyous experience of their lives, and the whole purpose of the church is for families. The next question for me is: How does it feel to have fertility issues? It feels like I am a failure. It feels like it's my fault that we can not achieve this amazing thing. And it feels incredibly lonely.

The church is full of such amazing, wonderful people like my friend Alison who has been exercising with me and encouraging me while all of this is going on. But Mormon culture can be suffocating, and not everyone is so accepting. Being a convert and not being immersed in Mormon culture, I've definitely felt on the outskirts of my ward. Not in big ways, but things like the Bishop looking at me funny because I dyed my hair blue for a few weeks. Or one of the young women being snarky when I mentioned I had a Goth phase in high school. Or the elderly single lady in the back of sacrament mentioning that she hasn't seen me in the past 3 Sundays, so I shouldn't be partaking in sacrament this Sunday. And connecting with women in the family ward is usually about - you guessed it - having a family! Ladies don't ask you out or keep up with you when you aren't part of the family club. Not to be mean, but just because they want to connect with the people who have the most in common with them. Whose kids can play together. Who have the same issues and concerns as they do. And the thing is- I'm 27 this year. Most Mormons by my age have already had about 2 children. So I'm extra out there.

I remind myself that I'm a strong woman and that my worth is great in the eyes of God. I am a follower of Christ, a precious child of God, and what I have to offer the world is good. I have many qualities and accomplishments that can be used to help those around me. I am going to celebrate my trials and my different-ness in the hope that it benefits others, and because this is the true me! I believe in God. I love Christ. I love following the gospel. I love my husband. Everything happens in the Lord's time and purpose. I will be grateful for all the wonderful things the Lord has given me and people He has brought into my life, and I trust Him to bring about my purpose and joy in His own ways. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to get better. Being a member of the church is going to help me do this. Living by the Word of Wisdom has helped me stay healthy for longer, definitely.

Is this coming to terms?

I think so. I don't know. Is this a war?

Whatever it is, this is the beginning of a long road. I have a partner, a family, and friends who love and support me. I have a network of doctors who believe in me and who are giving me the skills to live a healthy life. I am incredibly blessed.


And finally: